Welcome to the forum! I am ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) and married to a RAH ... one of the many who survived a deeply dysfunctional alcoholic home that I escaped at a young age only to be drawn to alcoholic or addictive mates all of my life... Years and years of counseling have uncovered WHY I am drawn like a moth to the flame of a candle of these bad choices but it is a "hard wired" part of personality.
I fared better than my brother... he is a stone cold alcoholic who had drifted in and out of jail so many times I can't count... all alcoholic related.
My other 4 sisters also suffered greatly from our childhood with a raging alcoholic who was cruel and vindictive all of our lives.
Our mother did not protect us despite my begging her to PLEASE get us out of the dangerous and scary place that we were forced to live in. She was completely emeshed and codependent and she didn't leave him until we were all grown and scarred for life.
I love my RA with all of my heart but every day is a challenge and a struggle ... if an RA is not actively working hard at growing spiritually and mentally they are sliding backwards... there is never a status quo in my experience. Being in recovery for my issues and codieness myself always having to "work on myself" is a job in itself.
Life is with a an alcoholic is hard... even in recovery as they and codie mates are never "normal" although with hard work by both it can become healthy and joyful. However... this is exceedingly rare!
Rehabs are great for seperating the alcoholic from their DOC (drug of choice) but unless they want to change and actually have a psychic change and are willing to the hard work daily on themselves in a active program of recovery they can be an exercise in futility.
13 rehabs and still in complete and utter denial is a huge red flag!
The advice given by others is good... can be lifechanging in fact. Counseling was a huge help for me... HUGE! Find a good counselor who understands addiction... keep looking until you find that voice of reason and wisdom that you get face to face with.
Alanon... find a good meeting.
This website... lots of experience, strength and hope.
Books... there are great titles in the stickie section.
The stickie section... read it! Great stuff to help you find your way out.
Life in nothing but a series of choices we make... we choose our boundaries and what we are willing to accept and not accept. Nothing changes if nothing changes... clearly your A has made it clear he is NOT changing!
Last but not least... I want to speak out for you kids.. I don't know how old they are and what effect this is having on them but I know it is BAD, BAD, BAD! If you don't want them to marry addicts or become one themselves you can help reduce the odds that this will happen by protecting them from the craziness of an alcoholic childhood.
Counseling for kids is very, very healthy!
I know this was a lot of info... sometimes we are just not ready to hear all of this stuff when we are just hurting so much ourselves. Please know that I am not judging you and I know you are trying to do the right thing... just take it one day at a time and pray for strength and guidance from your HP.
Know you are not alone... we understand and we are standing with you in spirit and in prayer.
Source: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/249216-please-read-respond.html
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